- B. A. is crowned King of PAACH. Director June Chu was a witness to the ceremony. - Drunk freshman girl hooks up with B. K., mistaking him for heartbreaker roommate A. H. - Words have been exchanged in Tagalog, claiming that J. H. will be booted from the tinikling dance for excess lewdness and booty-shaking. Lolo's and Lola's shrink back in fear. - Mysterious white stains were found on the large purple couch in PAACH on Monday morning. The door showed no signs of force, indicating that the perpetrators could only have been work-studies. E. K., THIS MEANS YOU. - L. C. was spotted exiting a closet on the third floor of the ARCH building with an unknown freshman APALI student. Asian Pacific American Leadership Initiative or Asian Pacific American Leaders' Incest? PAACH officials decline comment. -Jahima/Rason are expecting to adopt their first child from Yugoslavia. When asked about the status of their relationship, the two maintain that they are "just friends". - Onlookers watched in horror as L. Z. scarfed down nineteen grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch on Sunday afternoon. The sophomore attributes her binge eating to lingering depression over her election loss. | 
